Bombs Away! JK…

Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. So, yeah…this happened. I’d like to say I’m not proud of it, but who are we kidding? I killed!

Enjoy! It’s got over half a million views, but I think we can get that higher. At least 9 billion, right? One view per person?

Hugs and Kisses!


Turns Out I Can Fly!

Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. So, a little background:

In 1687, English mathematician Sir Isaac Newton published Principia, which hypothesizes the inverse-square law of universal gravitation. In his own words, “I deduced that the forces which keep the planets in their orbs must [be] reciprocally as the squares of their distances from the centers about which they revolve: and thereby compared the force requisite to keep the Moon in her Orb with the force of gravity at the surface of the Earth; and found them answer pretty nearly.”

Although Newton’s theory has been superseded by the Einstein’s general relativity, most modern non-relativistic gravitational calculations are still made using Newton’s theory because it is simpler to work with and it gives sufficiently accurate results for most applications involving sufficiently small masses, speeds and energies.

Anyway, all those big words notwithstanding, I took a running leap off the Empire State Building and while you might expect (and hope) that I plummeted to my death, I actually flew for a while and then landed gently in the middle of the Rambles in Central Park.

Pretty wild, right?

Gravity my aching white-girl a**!

Hugs and Kisses!


Things Were Surprisingly Quiet In Washington On The 21st

Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. I totally expected some backlash or demonstrations from freeloaders and the welfare state the day after the inauguration, but I was pleasantly surprised.

Nothing to report. All is well. Looking forward to 20 in 10. You’ll see what I mean soon…

Hm. Ellipses always seem ominous when I use them. They’re supposed to be playful. Anyway, hope you’re not an Arab…

Dammit! It happened again…

Hugs and Kisses!


9 Billion Attend Red’s Imperial March on Washington!

Are you there, American? It’s me: Kellyanne. So, despite the fact that the current estimates hold that there are slightly over 7 billion people inhabiting planet Earth (and that’s not counting those 5 or 6 Commies on that lil’ space station or whatever) Red is insisting that 9 billion people attended his inauguration inaugural celebration Imperial March on Washington (sorry, he’s looking over my shoulder and keeps making me change it).

As you can clearly see from the above picture, there are more people on the right than there are on the left (and let’s face it, that must be true from the election results: ba dum bump!). I can’t remember (and am not allowed to say) which picture is of who’s inauguration ceremony, but the yuge one is definitely Red’s.

So…yeah. 9 billion people. It was pretty crazy. All the porta-potties were occupied, which surprised me, considering the number of people I saw constantly shi**ing themselves.

Here’s to a great four years!

Hugs and Kisses!


Yuge Fraud!

Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. I love the taste of Kool-Aid! How about you?

You know how when you win something, but feel like you didn’t win by a wide enough margin and you complain because it diminishes your victory? Yeah, me neither. Anyway, Red feels like we got gypped (is that offensive still), and wanted me to make sure to let my followers know.

I don’t 100% see the point, because he already let his followers know (inaccuracies and sentence fragments notwithstanding) and he’s got a few more followers than I do. But hey, when Mr. Jones tells you to drink the Kool-Aid, you drink the Kool-Aid.

Interesting fact, it wasn’t actual Kool-Aid that was spiked with cyanide at Jonestown, it was Flavor-Aid. I’m pretty sure that will come up again. The cyanide…not the Flavor-Aid.

Hugs and Kisses!


What In The Actual WTF?

Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. So…kind of a long story, but Red is now the presumptive president elect of the United States of America. I never thought a bar bet would lead me here. I’ve had this awkward, toothy smile plastered all over my face for the last three hours and I swear to my personal Lord and Savior I’m going to absolutely f***ing lose it if I hear the word “Yuge” again.

I’ve explained to Red several times that the Electoral College isn’t like Trump University and that he:

  1. can’t buy it, because it’s not really a “thing”
  2. doesn’t have to buy it even if he could (which he can’t) because he already “won”

We’ll see what happens with the popular vote, but early projections show that the Electoral College methodology is outdated and useless because the Clinton b**h is probably going to take most (if not all) of California. But what’s nearly 3 million people when you get right down to it? If you believe the liberal hype, that’s only half of the Jews “killed” by the Control-Option-Right back in the 40’s.

Anywhoodle, I’m going to call it a night. It’s been a real whirlwind so far and I feel like the next four years are going to be…exhausting. But fun. But mostly exhausting. But fun…and exhausting.

My face hurts. How about you?

Hugs and Kisses!