Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. You know, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about words and how much they matter, that is to say, almost not at all. It’s all about context when you’re talking about things like massacres or voter fraud or clumsily spelled allegations of Nixonesque White House misconduct. And let me be clear, that when I refer to “context”, I refer to something I’m not particularly familiar with and don’t pay much attention to. I will say, however, that I have had many a drunken conversation with men who claim to be lawyers and I’m pretty sure that if you insert an unnecessary space into a word to make it look kinda like a phrase and then wrap quotation marks around it, you can say pretty much anything you want (e.g. I think “Hit ler” had some “go od id eas” that went too far).
My favorite part is that all of this is being characterized as some sort of Machiavellian conspiracy, when really…it just boils down to plain ole’ red, white and blue incompetence and ignorance. What a glorious time to be alive. All hail Red!
Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. I don’t know about you, but sometimes my feet hurt and it’s nice to kick back and unwind. You do that in your office sometimes, I’m sure. I do it in mine. Mine just so happens to be the Oval Office. Big whoop!
I’m just thankful that this distracted, even for a moment, from all the other terriblereprehensibleawesome things we’re doing to make American more greater again! All hail Red!
Are you there, America? It’s me: Putin…I mean Kellyanne.
Опять же, у нас не было никаких неправомерных отношений, звонков или связаться с российским правительством или их разведывательного аппарата либо во время выборов или после вступления в должность.
Красный берет эти обвинения очень серьезно и хорошее, чистое, тверды демократическое русское общество никогда бы не заниматься такой деятельностью.
Я надеюсь, что это, наконец, ставит этот вопрос на отдых, или наши крылатые missles придется отправить более четкую сообщение в сильных выражениях.
Спасибо за ваше время Америки.
Let me ask you a serious question, Kellyanneiacs. Since when did opening yourself up to both ridicule and probable blackmail from the Russians become such a horrible thing to do as National Security Advisor?
This just goes to show how knee-jerk the American people have become. And by American people I mean the American government. And by the American government, I mean me and Red. And by knee-jerk I mean frighteningly slow to react.
Once again, Russia is our friend! An no, I’m not Putin you on about that! I really mean it and it’s not that I may have had a similar phone call and they also have some serious dirt on me…
Good luck Flynny-Boy. I know you’ll land on your feet. It may be in a Russian gulag, but you’ll definitely be on your feet because I think those cells are only about 3 feet by 4 feet. Enjoy the gruel. Add some blueberries for taste.
So in the spirit of sticking it to the man…here’s my official endorsement of the day. I don’t actually use it, but Red does and told me: “it now looks like a fuc**ng baby’s arm holding an apple!”
I don’t know what that means, but laughed anyway. I find myself doing that a lot. Go buy this product now! I certainly would if I were you. That is a clear endorsement. I can’t be more specific than that. Get ‘er done, Kellyanneiacs!
Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. The smooth confirmation of incredibly under qualifiedshockingly under-preparednutcase my close friend Betsy as the Secretary of Education is really putting a spring in my step today.
As you Kellyanneiacs know, education is something I am deeply passionate about, inasmuch as I know it’s a thing that a lot of people are passionate about and I tend to co-opt trending topics and opine loudly about them with very little concrete information.
Anyway, I know that Betsy is going to do an amazing job at whatever the Secretary of Education does. Again, not super up to speed on the actual job specifics. But I’m sure that for-profit colleges are rejoicing at the moment as well as…well, for-profit-colleges are really excited.
Nothing in life is free, so suck it bleeding hearts! As long as you’ve got a couple of billion dollars in the bank, this will change nothing for you or your children. And according to the latest available alternative facts, most people that matter have a few billion dollars.
Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. I am happy to report that the Ole Spice finally took my advice and brought it down a notch when interacting with the biased, liberal, lying media.
Yes, they misconstrue everything Red says, but I’ve told him repeatedly that being so confrontational and dismissive was the wrong approach and that he was just playing into their filthy Pinko, muckraking hands.
Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. So, I have to admit, I really, really enjoyed Stuart Smalley’s old show. He was so positive and he, like myself, was sure that he was good enough, smart enough and people liked me him.
But, I have to tell you Kellyanneiacs that he has really gone off the rails and is starting to get on Red’s nerves with his grandstanding and letting things like lying about your civil right’s record as an attorney put a hurdle between you and being confirmed as America’s top cop.
I really don’t know what happened to you, Stuart. I would still say that you are good enough and smart enough…but I don’t like you very much.
Are you there, America? It’s me: Kellyanne. So, a lot has happened since the silent coup d’etatRussian backed installation inauguration. I am happy to announce that there have been no repercussions or voices of dissension thus far on any of Red’s executive orders. He has successfully demonstrated that he has a huge swinging d**k painted in nothing but red, white and blue. ‘Merica!
So, I know a lot of you were concerned about all those refugees fleeing from their worn-torn countries in search of a better life in America (you know, that thing that some liberal pu**ies think America is for), but the time for concern is over.
According to the most recently available alternative fact refugees from Syria, Yemen, Sudan, Somalia, Iraq, Iran and Libya are responsible for over 614,348 American deaths every year. The time for that is over, thanks to the wide, massive stroke of Red’s pen.
It’s a magical time to be alive and an American. White American.
It might have something to do with the fact that Red handed me a sheet of paper and said, “Here. Choose a Secretary of State from this list.” I should make it clear, I suppose, that there was only a single name on the list and it was Rex Tillerson, but it was also spelled “Rax Tillermonsen – gud brain, gud werds” in purple crayon, so…it wasn’t completely clear immediately. I didn’t mind. Red and I have something of a mind-meld and I knew who he was talking about the minute I read it.
So. after careful consideration of the full scope of the list, I concurred with Red’s selection and we shook on it, which is actually something I don’t like to do because his hands are relatively small and usually clammy, so shaking them is not unlike squeezing a rotten plum.
Regardless, the Kellyanneiacs and I wish you all the luck in the world, Mr. Tillermonsen! I hear you can type nearly 30 wpm, so that secretary position should be a snap. Glad to see some men are taking those jobs these days.